instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from Charlton Heston, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "The local supermarket is a front for the evil works of Charlton Heston. It's part of a national chain of illegal racketeering outlets, whose final aim is to bring us all under the sway of an inhuman cabal of evil genii. They've already claimed victims - everyone from Marilyn Manson to David Shayler have been caught out. Only the Vietnam Veterans Association has seen through the scam, which is why Tony Blair, in cahoots with Charlton Heston, is trying to bring world civilisation to an end with a view to putting an end to the Vietnam Veterans Association. "

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