instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from the Martian commander-in-chief, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "The local bank is a front for the evil works of the Martian commander-in-chief. It's part of a national chain of illegal racketeering outlets, whose final aim is to destroy the economic centres of the world. They've already claimed victims - everyone from Richard Tomlinson to Dan Quayle have been caught out. Only the Spice Girls has seen through the scam, which is why the KGB, in cahoots with the Martian commander-in-chief, is trying to bring about Armageddon with a view to putting an end to the Spice Girls. "

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